What It’s Like Loving the Girl with the Messed Up Past

I lost my dad when I was 8, I was molested for 6 years, I was abused for 3.5 years. These life changing events have made me into the person I am. For anyone who has been through a traumatizing experience, they will change. They will be a completely different person, they are unlike any other being on this planet. It has been a very long, challenging learning experience. Here’s what I have come to realize as the years have went on…

  1. We have our script memorized. We can talk about these things without ever flinching. We won’t cry, we won’t get somber. We’ll say it’s okay to those who apologize. Later, we’ll go home, lock ourselves in our room, and cry.
  2. Our thoughts are our worst enemy. We think too much, we read into every little thing you do. We pay attention to the details. We’re always on the lookout.
  3. People leave. All the time. Whether it be by death or their choosing to walk out. It has made us realize that dwelling on that person only makes us more miserable. So we learned to move on, maybe too quickly, but that’s just who we are.
  4. We can put on a brave show. We can be absolutely heartbroken and still look you in the eye and act as if everything is okay. We don’t like to be weak.
  5. We have a wall up, at all times. If we let down that wall for you, you better step up and understand how important that is. For when(not if, because we know better) you hurt us, that wall will go back up twice as big.
  6. We have a different perspective on life. We see things much differently than others. We find the positive in most any situations.
  7. We can also find the negative in any situation. We jump to the worst conclusions possible, and have a hard time believing otherwise.
  8. We are moody. Not your average female moody either. We can be a complete bitch and honestly have no idea why. We get moody, we get bitchy, we get sappy, that’s just how we are. We can’t explain it. Just be patient.
  9. If you’re going to love a girl like this, you have to have patience. You have to understand that she doesn’t always know what’s wrong. Let it go. Don’t keep asking. Don’t push her to open up. You’ll push her away.
  10. We love to laugh. We love to make others laugh. We can’t stand seeing people hurt. We know pain too well. We’re the ones with the biggest laugh. Laughing makes us feel good. Everything is okay for once.
  11. Something small could set us off, just because it causes pain from a previous experience. Understand that it doesn’t have anything to do with you personally.
  12. To love a girl like this is the most challenging yet rewarding experience. We give our all. We love with everything in our soul. So take care of her, treasure her, learn her. Learn the art of loving her and every little thing about her.
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PCOS. Infertility. Depression.

I’m now falling into depression. My cousin is having her baby today. I should be happy and excited, but I only feel sad. I want that. I want to feel my baby growing inside of me, I want to feel the kicks and hiccups, I want the cravings, the pains, I want to go to the doctor all the time and see my baby in black and grey, I want to go to the hospital and announce that I’m in labor, I want to feel those contractions, I want to feel myself push my child out, I want to hear that first cry. I want it all. I can’t have it all. I can’t even go to the doctor to be put on the medicines that I need to conceive. I sit here day in and day out wishing, wanting, waiting. Pretending to be happy when someone announces they’re pregnant. I hate being with my friends and them try start talking about their children and their labor experience. I don’t have those things, those miraculous events of life. No, to achieve pregnancy I have to test, track, take medicine, & schedule out love making time. There’s no spontaneity. It’s all about planning. Planning everything. Seeing those negative pregnancy tests time and time again. PCOS doesn’t just effect your weight, hair growth, hormones, ability to conceive, PCOS effects your entire life. Your entire life is planned around your PCOS. I’m a female and I’m supposed to create life, but my life creating parts are faulty. I have my good days and I have my bad days. And well, today is my bad day. I recently joined a group on Facebook with others that have PCOS, my Cysters. 🙂 I’m learning more about PCOS and it’s a great thing to know I’m not alone. I just recently started sharing with others that I have PCOS. Okay, I’ve rambled enough. Are there any other Cysters out there? Comment, follow. We’re all in this together! 🙂

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Some Birthday.

My birthday started out by me dropping my iPhone and cracking the screen ridiculously bad.
And now, my best friend is pissed off at me. Why? Because her husband and I were supposed to go somewhere for a job we will both get on the spot. Instead we went to do an application for a place that has a better pay rate. And we’re going to the other place tomorrow. And she’s pissed we didn’t go today.
We’re broke, so we didn’t have plans to do anything. I’ve been broke the last 8 birthdays I’ve had.
So much for thinking this year would be different. I give up. It seems as if every birthday just gets worse. I can’t even get one good day out of a year!
And I still have 8 hours to go until this day is over with. 😔
Here’s to hoping it gets better. 🍻 Yeah, right!

Later…
Still no such luck for a good birthday. The only good thing out of the day was that my best friends mom made my favorite dinner and I got free ice cream from the ice cream man. 👍
Other than that, it’s like any other day of the year. No surprise there. 😔

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I’m Drawing a Blank…

Oh my! I haven’t posted in some time. I seem to be drawing a blank on what to blog about. Nothing seems to be screaming to get out of my head. Lol

Things are pretty boring in my life right now. Both the husband and I are unemployed, so we’re just struggling to get by. Just living life, watching it pass by.

I never realized how quickly time goes by until I got older. I look around and see or hear about people, younger than I, doing all these wonderful things in life. I am slowly working on getting my shit together, finally, because I yearn to do such things. I want to be someone’s inspiration.

That’s really the only thing flowing through my head lately. That and my desire to just pack up and go somewhere new. Where we know no one. Start a new life. I’m determined to make that happen. I don’t want to live with regrets, & I don’t want my high school days to be my best days.

I want to have stories for my children to hear. I want to be an inspiration for them to go out and take chances. I want them to live, really live, not because I tell them to, but because I have and I know how wonderful it is. That’s what I want out of life.

Well, look at that! I do have a blog post about something rather than nothing! You’re welcome. (Awkward’s Sadie tone) 😉

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Space Makes it Better, Right?

The husband and I have been arguing since early yesterday. Things got intense last night over texts and phone calls. Needless to say he didn’t come home.

I still have yet to hear from him. I think his phone is dead. I have no clue how today is going to be. I don’t even know if he wants to see me.

We have had our fair share of fights, but last night’s was different. Usually I blow his phone up and then give up and let him have his way. This time however, I pulled the same stunts on him that he pulls on me. Although, the stunts I was doing were actually false, he does not know this.

It seemed to only upset him more, which was my plan really, but he went too far and got too upset. No doubt, thanks to some alcohol consumption.

Now, I am wondering when I will see or hear from him. Whether he is still mad or not. Space makes it all better, right?

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Periods.

Why do period commercials portray females actually enjoying their monthly cycle?

I certainly don’t jump around dancing and smiling. At all. In fact I don’t think I smile the entire week “Aunt Flo” decides to visit.

Let’s see commercials portray what it is really like. I’ll make a list.

-Bloated. Let’s see females try to put on their favorite pair of jeans, only to realize they don’t fit because your stomach has swollen to the size of a basketball!
-Junk food. How about you show a female in some old sweats with a torn up tee pigging out on chocolate and pizza.
-Pain. Midol commercials portray a false image of cramps. Why don’t you show a female having to sit down in a specific way and take deep breaths because it feels like her insides are ripping to shreds!
-Hormones. Show the bitchy, crying, laughing, sleepy every 5 minute mood swings.

Oh I know there’s more but I am sitting here with my insides tearing to pieces trying to write this. (Hence, the topic of my post. Lol) I just get tired of people portraying that “that time of the month” is the greatest thing in the world. It’s not. Ask any female! It’s the “I want to shut the world out, lay in my bed pigging out, watching sappy love shows and bawling my eyes out” kind of world. Who else feels this way?

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Giving Trust

Anyone knows that once trust is broken it takes A LOT to EARN it back. Yes, EARN. Why? Because if you’re the one who broke the trust of another then you are responsible in gaining that trust back.

So it’s no secret that the husband has had a drinking problem, and he still struggles. His drinking becomes worse with certain “friends.” And naturally, I have issues when he drinks with those certain “friends.” He lets them talk him into drinking more and more, they constantly tell him I am controlling, and blah blah blah…

Well, I took a HUGE step tonight and let him go out and hang with these “friends.” We both agreed that I would pick him up at midnight. We have church tomorrow, so it seems fairly reasonable. I have already received a text asking to stay until 1:30, I replied with 12:30. After that I receive a text stating that one of these “friends” has his phone and they’ll return it at 1:30. -_- I then replied stating that I would be there at 12:30 and that I am not playing these games. This type of stuff happens EVERY time he drinks with these “friends.” 

I can’t stress to him how hard this was for me to take this leap of faith and trust him to drink responsibly and to not be rude to me tonight. I have about an hour and half until I pick him up and I’m quite nervous that I will end up sitting outside in my car for forever. I do not want this to be a bad night. At all. I told him over and over again today that this was his chance to show me I can trust his drinking and trust him to keep his word. 

Only time will tell I guess. I am one nervous wreck!

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